Supporting Sibling Relationships
The COVID-19 Pandemic has changed our world in so many ways. It has brought tremendous lows but also some unexpected highs.
Case in point, for my family, it has been what I like to call “excessive togetherness.” I don’t know about your family but never before have I experienced so much family time. We are together ALL THE TIME! This has put all of our relationships under a magnifying glass. One, in particular, has been the relationship my daughters have with each other. It has been delightful to observe how much they love each other and then, 15 seconds later, cringeworthy. Sound familiar?
When working with caregivers, the biggest question that comes up is: How do we stop all the fighting?
First, I get it. Some days/weeks, it feels like they are in a cycle of fighting, then complaining about each other, then fighting again. As a caregiver, it feels instinctual to dismiss the negative feelings but DON’T! Siblings need to have their feelings about each other acknowledged. You can support them by showing how to discard their angry feelings acceptably, with symbolic or creative activity, with wishes, and with words that identify the feelings.
For example, if your child says, “You’re always with the baby!” (Yes, I just had a baby...in a pandemic...that’s a whole other blog post.) Instead of saying, “No, I’m not. Didn’t I just read to you?” You could say, “You don’t like me spending so much time with her.” See what happened there? Instead of dismissing their negative feelings about their sibling, I acknowledged their feelings by putting those feelings into words. When one sibling says, “You stole my doll! You’re the worst sister ever!!” Instead of saying, “That’s a terrible thing to say to your sister.” You could say, “You sound furious! And I expect you to speak with your sister without calling names.”
In order to stop hurtful behavior, you show your children how angry feelings can be discharged safely. As caregivers, we need to refrain from attacking the attacker by showing better ways of expressing anger.
That leads me to the next part; kids with problems do not need to be viewed as “problem children.” Instead, accept their frustration, appreciate what they have accomplished, and help them in focusing on solutions. For example, if they are kicking a soccer ball in the backyard and you hear your younger child say, “That’s too fast!” Instead of saying, “Be careful with that ball, you know your sister isn’t strong.” Try saying, to your younger child, “Hey! You almost caught it and that was a fastball!” See how I reframed it? Instead of focusing on your child’s disabilities, you focus on their abilities.
As any sibling can tell you, there are fights and then there are fights. I like to think of them as a range. I am going to use a stoplight analogy to better describe the different levels.
Fights can go from normal bickering (green light), where no intervention is necessary, to a situation that is definitely dangerous where adult intervention is required (red light). With normal bickering (green light), ignore it. I suggest thinking about your next post-COVID vacation. Tell yourself your children are having an important experience in conflict resolution.
At the next stage (yellow light), the situation is heating up and adult intervention might be helpful. When you begin to observe this, acknowledge their anger, reflect each child’s point of view, describe the problem with respect, express confidence in the children’s ability to find their own solution and leave the room. If the situation arises to a possibly dangerous stage (still yellow, but it’s a blusher), inquire with yourself, “Is this a play fight or a real fight?” Let the kids know that mutually consented play fights are permitted; real fights are not. Also, respect their feelings, “You may be playing, but it’s too rough for me.”
At the last stage (red light!), the situation is definitely dangerous and adult intervention is necessary. First, describe what you see, “I see two very angry kids who are about to hurt each other.” Then, separate, “It’s not safe to be together. We must have time to regulate. Please go to separate areas in the house.” Do not attempt to “teach lessons” or give long explanations when they are in the red light stage. Be clear and concise. When everyone has calmed down, that is the time for problem-solving. Check out our cool down kits to help with co-regulation tips.
A key thing to note: the calming down period may take minutes, hours, or even a day. During the problem-solving stage, first ascertain, was this just a random fight that likely won’t happen again? Or was it a fight that needs to be addressed? If they need support resolving the conflict, let each child state their case while the other listens. State the value or rule in your home and leave the doorway open for the possibility of negotiation. For example, “Let me get this straight, Sally, you need markers to finish your homework assignment. And, Jane, you want to finish coloring. In our home, homework assignments get top priority. But, Sally, if you want to work something out with your sister, that’s up to you.”
Our relationships with our siblings can have a powerful impact on our early lives, producing intense feelings, positive or negative. Although sibling relationships change over time, these same feelings can persist into our adult relationships with our brothers and sisters and these feelings can be passed on to the next generation.
We, as caregivers, need to stop focusing on turning siblings into friends and instead shift our focus to begin equipping our children with the attitudes and skills they need for all their caring relationships. We need to teach them not to get hung up on who was right and who was wrong, but instead help them move past that kind of thinking and learn how to really listen to each other, how to respect the difference between them, and how to find the ways to resolve those differences. Even if their personalities were such that they could never be friends, at least they would have the power to make a friend and be a friend.
If you’d like to learn more about how to support your children’s relationship, check out my workshop, Siblings Without Rivalry, derived from the book with the same title by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. If you feel you have a more specific or in-depth need, contact me (Kate!) for a parent coaching session.
Interested in booking a session with us?
WRITTEN BY KATE CURRAN MIRE, SSP, LSSP, NCSP
Kate received her undergraduate degree from The University of Texas-Austin in Applied Learning and Development. In August 2008, she became a certified Master Reading Teacher through the University of Texas-Austin. Kate went on to receive a Specialist Degree in School Psychology from Texas State University-San Marcos.
