The New Normal: Adjusting to Life During COVID-19 as a Family
Many of us began this year with very different plans and visions for ourselves than what has played out.
We may have dreamt of travel, a new job, meeting new friends, or improving our health and well-being. Instead, we are met with isolation, confinement, limited opportunities, and constant concern for the health of ourselves and our loved ones.
Given the challenges presented to us over and over again this year, it makes sense if you and your family are adjusting to a “new normal.” You may wonder if things will ever return back to their pre-COVID state and anticipate the day you can experience the community and opportunities you did before. Although we cannot change or fix the difficulty of 2020’s challenges, as counselors we believe it is worth naming and addressing these difficulties. As we explore and respond to the toll COVID has taken on us individually and collectively, we hope you begin to feel a sense of solidarity, community, resilience, and hope that we can get through this unique point in history together.
Isolation & loneliness
As counselors, one of the most common themes we see brought up in sessions during these times is a heavy sense of isolation and loneliness. There are fewer opportunities for connection and community than ever before. This reality especially affects individuals on the margins of society who may have already struggled to cultivate meaningful community within the dominant culture.
We know from extensive research that one of our very foundational needs as humans is connection. We deeply need safe, secure, healthy relationships in which we can be our authentic selves as we care for others and are cared for. Already an individualistic society, Americans struggle with isolation and loneliness more than ever before.
If you struggle with depression, you may find some of your symptoms amplified in response to the lack of community and social support. This reality may also amplify symptoms of anxiety as you juggle your day-to-day responsibilities from behind a mask or a screen. Your brain is used to visually scanning the environment for signs of safety; now our brains are overstimulated from constant visual exposure to screens and tiny squares of faces. Although we have had months to adjust, this reality continues to take a toll on our individual and collective social-emotional well-being.
Increase in conflict
If you live at home with your caregivers, partner, and/or children, you may notice an uptick in relational conflict. This is normal, especially if you previously spent much of your days apart at work or school. Prior to the pandemic, your family may have served as a source of support, comfort, and calm; however, now that you experience more stress and potentially increased symptoms of anxiety and depression, it may be more difficult to fully relax and enjoy time with your family. You may find yourself more irritable, anxious, or distant in times when you would usually connect with your family. You may also expect more from your family as you each take on new roles, from logging your child on to their Zoom class to tackling the pile of dishes that only grows as you stay home.
Grieving your pre-COVID life
For many of us, the pandemic brought our lives to a startling halt. We experienced drastic changes in our daily routines, our social lives, and our rhythms for self-care and rest. Although we have had several months to adjust, you may still grieve your pre-pandemic life along with the hopes you had for this year.
“What’s unique about this is it’s not a single loss like the way we’re used to thinking of loss, but a protracted losing of the way things were, a loss of what we’ve come to expect, and it constantly changes.”
This “protracted losing of the way things were” may continue to weigh heavily on us and surprise us when we feel like we have finally adjusted to this new normal. Such a sense of loss can present itself as grief similar to when you have lost a loved one or experienced an unexpected life change. You may find yourself feeling more irritable, lethargic, hopeless, and anxious as a result of this grief. This can accompany already existing symptoms of anxiety and depression that we see increasing under the pressure of the pandemic.
Where do we go from here?
Naming our collective reality does not change the averse factors we are up against; however, it may offer a focused awareness and clarity to the areas of our well-being we need to address. Ultimately, our response to the conditions in which we find ourselves affect us just as much as the conditions themselves. As you read the following recommendations, remember that these suggestions look different for every family and that it is okay if you struggle to implement meaningful change in this difficult time.
Create a meaningful routine for you and your family
One of the most difficult adjustments that came with the pandemic was the change in our familiar, day-to-day routines. For many of us, our meetings have moved primarily online along with our children’s education and our opportunities for social connection. If your work is all virtual and your family is home more often, you may notice yourself feeling more irritable or struggling to enjoy time with them as you did before.
“I think that, really, what is essential at this moment, especially when we have just one person to give us what an entire village should be providing, is that we create boundaries, routines, and rituals...I think that, more than ever, the routine that creates a structure, that brings a certain sense of order in a world that feels so chaotic and so unsure, is crucial. The ritual is what separates the ordinary and the mundane from something that becomes more elevated, more separated, more sacred. All of these three things are essential.”
Creating a routine creates predictability, something our brains crave now more than ever. This also sets expectations so that everyone can be aware of their role and no one feels like they are carrying the burden of the home all on their own. As Perel states above, routines also help prioritize and elevate time together as a family. Whether you commit to family dinner once a week or set a goal to spend time taking a walk or playing a game, these routines create intentional, shared moments where your focus is each other rather than the long-lists of tasks you face most other hours of the day.
Cultivate opportunities for meaningful connection
Although social distancing is important for our individual and collective well-being, so is meaningful connection and community. Balancing safety and connection proves difficult, but not impossible. Making time to call or FaceTime our friends and family can maintain important relationships while feeding our need for connection. As the weather cools down, there may also be more opportunities to meet with your community from a safe distance in a park. Seeing people in person and breathing fresh air may be just what your brain and body need after long weeks inside behind a screen. Keep in mind that all in-person hangouts should be done safely and within your level of comfort.
Offer yourself and your loved ones grace
Maybe the most important thing to be mindful of at this time is your posture towards yourself and others. This time adds unique and unimaginable strain to those of us already carrying the heavy weight of grief, trauma, anxiety, and depression. If you struggle to implement a meaningful routine or need a little space rather than more opportunities for connection, offer yourself grace to respond to these stressors in a way that is meaningful and realistic to you. As you learn to offer yourself compassion during this difficult time, remember to extend empathy to your loved ones as well. It is very likely they feel a similar sense of stress and disorientation, especially our littles. Understanding this and responding to their big emotions with both boundaries and compassion can foster a sense of meaningful connection that we all need right now.
References:
Levine, P. A. (2010). In an unspoken voice: How the body releases trauma and restores goodness. Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books.
Princing, M. (2020, May 18). Grieving normal life. Retrieved October 07, 2020, from https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/mind/mental-health/grieving-normal-life-during-pandemic
Syme, R., Lavery, S., & Schwartz, A. (2020, May 05). "This Is What Happens to Couples Under Stress": An Interview with Esther Perel. Retrieved October 07, 2020, from https://www.newyorker.com/culture/the-new-yorker-interview/this-is-what-happens-to-couples-under-stress-an-interview-with-esther-perel
Trougakos, J. P., Chawla, N., & McCarthy, J. M. (2020). Working in a pandemic: Exploring the impact of COVID-19 health anxiety on work, family, and health outcomes. Journal of Applied Psychology.
Villano, M. (2020, March 28). Can your marriage survive the coronavirus? Retrieved October 08, 2020, from https://www.cnn.com/2020/03/24/health/marriage-coronavirus-wellness/index.html