The Science Behind Regulating A Child
Every caregiver has been there. Everything feels like it’s going well, then seemingly out of nowehere, your child gets frustrated and quickly devolves into a full-blown tantrum. It is in these moments that we have the opportunity to walk our children through their feelings and show them the skills that lead to self-regulation.
Dr. Bruce Perry, a renowned psychiatrist, is leading the way in helping us understand a child’s brain through the Neurosequential Model. He developed the three-tiered approach, “regulate, relate, reason,” that can be applied in these situations and offers us a glimpse at what is happening to our children when they are going through these big emotions.
The three “R’s” are a way of conceptualizing what we need at a neurobiolgical level to feel safe and return to a regulated state.
When we enter a more alarmed state, we are no longer using the higher functioning levels of our brain, which makes decision-making more difficult and leads to lapses in judgment. Sound familiar?
Dr. Bruce Perry tells us, “A regulated, calm adult can regulate a dysregulated, anxious child, but a dysregulated adult can never regulate a dysregulated child.”
Unfortunately, one of the easiest ways to become a dysregulated caregiver is having a dysregulated child. So before we start attempting to regulate our own children, it is imperative that we take a moment to regulate ourselves. You can use this time to also model to your child what self-regulation looks like. Take a moment to share what feeling is coming up for you and take a few breaths for yourself. Then, we can step in to help.
Regulate
It is tempting for adults to jump straight into logic and reason with children, however, when children are in the “survival state” of their brain, that logic begins to sound just like the teachers in Charlie Brown. Before we can talk to our children logically about what's happened, we must connect with their emotions first and show them they are safe.
Keep yourself calm, continue modeling self-regulation, and keep things nearby they can use to help self-soothe. This can be weighted blankets, physical touch, sensory items, or maybe humming a song together. Give your child the space and time they need to get through this time.
Cool down kits are a great option during this time. Having a basket that you can bring out and leave by the child filled with sensory items of their liking is a great way for them to see they do have the power to self-regulate on their own. You can introduce the cool down kit during a time when everyone is in a regulated state and talk about how it can be used. This is also a great time to show that everyone experiences moments of extreme emotion and that those emotions are normal and part of being human. If you’re looking for guidance in making this toolbox, mark your calendar for November 5th for the Ensemble Therapy and Little Note Fundraiser. At this fundraiser, you’ll be able to engage in a parent-child activity to make your own cool-down kit.
Relate
Dr. Perry tells us, “The most powerful buffer in times of stress and distress is social connectedness.” Once a child has moved out of their brainstem, or their “survival state,” they must feel connected and loved before moving on to higher-level conversations.
During this time, it is best to speak in short phrases before diving into a monologue and show empathy and compassion for what your child is experiencing. Use this time to reflect on what feelings may be coming up for them such as, “I know this is tough for you” or “This is overwhelming for you.” Getting down on their level, speaking in a soft tone, and showing them eye contact are all foundational in bridging that connection as well.
Naming these feelings for our children also leads to a better mind-body connection as we point out to them what is happening in their bodies. This allows our children to point out when they are experiencing those same emotions in the future. Being able to name our feelings and understand them at this level allows us to be more aware of how to express that feeling in a healthy way.
Reason
Lastly, when a child is fully calm, we can bring in a higher-level discussion and reflect on what happened. At this point, a child should feel safe and know that they are secure in their connection to you, which is needed to reach higher executive functioning and reflection.
Oftentimes, it is helpful to ask your child if they are ready to talk to ensure they are in the right headspace. It is also okay to give them an option and see if they would like to talk now, or at a later time (whether that is in ten minutes, or the next day). We can show our child respect and give them a sense of agency when we give them the power of when to have a conversation while holding the line that conversation must happen. When we wait for them to be in the right headspace to have a conversation, we can assure ourselves that they will hear the words we need to tell them.
Once they are in this space, we can go over what happened with them and talk about alternatives to their behavior. This is the time to get curious, rather than accusatory.
Ask them to share about what happened and how they felt about it. Let them drive the conversation by asking them what they could do differently next time and how you can support them through that. This is also the time to follow through on any limits that might have been broken in a calm and connected way and sit with them with any additional feelings that may arise as a result.
Final Thoughts
Dr. Perry’s framework reminds us to lead with love first. He shows us that the most powerful agent of change is connection and reminds us to use that connection before we get our children back on to the path of success. By using this approach, we are not only helping our children get to a more regulated state, but we are building the foundation of a secure attachment that will be carried with them into the future.
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WRITTEN BY SARAH KELTON, MED, LPC ASSOCIATE, RYT200 (SHE/HER/HERS)
Sarah Kelton (she/her/hers) is a Licensed Professional Counseling Associate (LPC-A) supervised by Jaclyn N. Sepp, MA, LPC-S, RPT-S™, NCC, RYT200. Sarah earned her bachelors degree in Applied Learning and Development and her master's degree in Counselor Education from the University of Texas at Austin. Sarah is currently working towards her Registered Play Therapist (RPT) credential.
