Even Elephants Grieve: Helping Your Child Through Loss with Ritual, Connection, and Care
Grief is one of those things we feel before we ever have words for it. It lives in our bodies, in the quiet spaces, in the ache that tells us something important is missing. And if you’ve ever watched a child grieve, whether over a pet, a grandparent, or a move across town, you’ve probably felt how deep and bewildering those feelings can be.
But grief doesn’t just live in the big, life-altering losses. It shows up in the small moments too: a lost toy, the end of a school year, the goodbye to a favorite binky. And children, who may not yet have the language or logic to process these experiences, need something else to help them make sense of what they’re feeling.
That’s where rituals come in.
Even elephants, when they lose a member of their herd, return to their bones. They stop. They remember. They linger. In this instinctual, powerful act, they show us something deeply innate in ourselves: that honoring loss is a part of healing. Rituals help us mark transitions. They help us move with grief instead of around it. They don’t erase the sadness, but they give it a place to belong.
Why Rituals Matter So Much
We don’t always think about them this way, but rituals are stitched into the fabric of our lives:
We throw caps in the air at graduation, marking the end of one chapter and the beginning of another.
We gather for birthdays to honor the life we’re living, and the year we've just lived.
We light candles, say vows, or break glass at weddings to symbolize love, change, and commitment.
We hold funerals or memorials to say goodbye and to remember together.
These rituals exist across every culture. Some are loud and celebratory. Some are quiet and sacred. Some involve the whole community; others are shared intimately between two people. But what they all do is help us mark transitions, those moments when something ends and something else begins.
Children need this too. In fact, they may need it even more than we do, because they often feel loss deeply but don’t yet have the words or understanding to name what’s happening inside them.
Even when the loss seems small to us, the feelings behind it are real and big to them. That’s why rituals can be so powerful in helping children grieve. They provide a meaningful way to externalize what’s happening inside, while helping them feel connected to the people and memories they’re losing.
As someone once said, grief is just love with nowhere to go. Rituals give that love a path. A place to land.
What Can a Grief Ritual Look Like?
You don’t need to be spiritual or ceremonial. You just need to be present and intentional. Here are a few simple but meaningful grief rituals you can create with your child:
Memory Jars: Grab a mason jar and decorate it together. Fill it with written or drawn memories. Visit it when you want to remember.
Goodbye Letters: Write or draw letters to what was lost. Read them aloud together, bury them, or keep them in a special place.
Photo Rituals: Create a photo album or collage and tell stories about each picture. Invite your child to add their own captions or drawings.
Light a Candle Together: Choose a regular time, maybe the birthday of the loved one, or just once a week, to light a candle and remember.
Transitional Objects: Let your child create or choose a special item that reminds them of what was lost, this might be a stuffed animal, a bracelet, or a drawing.
Rituals of Goodbye: If you're moving, visit each room and say goodbye together. If it's a pet, you might choose to plant a flower in their honor.
Bedtime Blessings: Add a simple sentence to your bedtime routine: “Goodnight, Grandpa. We miss you.” Small words with big meaning.
None of these rituals need to be elaborate. In fact, some of the most meaningful ones are the quietest. The point is to say, This mattered. And we remember together.
Why This Helps
Rituals offer comfort not because they erase the pain, but because they hold space for it. As the National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC) explains, rituals “support emotional development by offering children consistency, predictability, and connection.” When a loss happens, rituals create safety in the uncertainty.
Katie Lear, in A Parent’s Guide to Managing Childhood Grief, writes about the power of simple, consistent grief activities that allow children to express feelings they may not yet have words for. These rituals help externalize the sadness, making it less overwhelming. And because these rituals are done with a trusted adult, they also deepen connection at a time when a child may feel more alone than usual.
Paris Goodyear-Brown, in Play Therapy with Traumatized Children, emphasizes that for children, grief is often expressed through behavior and play, not language. That’s why rituals that allow movement, creativity, and symbolism are especially powerful.
Grief Across Ages: What to Expect
Grief doesn’t look the same at every age, and that’s okay. Here’s a brief guide on what to expect in children’s behavior:
Infants and Toddlers
Regressed behaviors (clinginess, sleep disturbances)
Distress when routines change or caregivers are emotional
Preschoolers (3–5)
Magical thinking (“Was it my fault?”)
Repeatedly acting out or asking about the loss
Confusion about permanence
Elementary-Aged Kids (6–12)
Sadness, anger, guilt
School difficulties or withdrawal
More nuanced understanding of death or change
Teens
Withdrawal, irritability, or depression
Risk-taking behaviors
Deep questioning or silence
Wherever your child falls, your presence is what matters most. Rituals, paired with emotional attunement, give them something solid to hold on to while the ground shifts beneath them.
If your child is grieving, try not to rush them. Don’t worry about doing it “right.” Just keep showing up. Rituals are less about perfection and more about presence.
They remind us: We are not alone. This loss matters. We carry it together.
References:
Goodyear-Brown, P. (2009). Play Therapy with Traumatized Children.
Lear, K. (2022). A Parent's Guide to Managing Childhood Grief: 100 Activities for Coping, Comforting, & Overcoming Sadness, Fear, & Loss.
National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC). Rituals and Traditions
Child Mind Institute.Helping Children Deal with Grief
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WRITTEN BY Sarah Kelton, MEd, LPC, RPT, RYT®200
Sarah Kelton (she/her/hers) is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and Registered Play Therapist (RPT). Sarah earned her bachelor's degree in Applied Learning and Development and her master's degree in Counselor Education from the University of Texas at Austin.
