Limit Setting
It’s the morning before school, you're getting ready for work, your first grader is watching a tV show, you’ve told them at least 27 times to put their shoes on, you're ready to walk out the door… and somehow the shoes are still not on.
Sound familiar?
Situations like these are something that child therapists hear about regularly. We see it happen in our waiting room and in our play rooms. Luckily, some pretty great counselors have developed ways to handle these situations so that everyone involved can feel calmer. It’s called Limit Setting. I’ll walk you through how it works, why it works, and how to use it at home!
In the playroom, we use the ACT method, which can be broken down into these three steps (Landreth, 2012).
Three Steps
1. Acknowledge the feeling.
We do this because we want the child to feel understood. As an added bonus, children are much more likely to follow limits when we convey understanding.
2. Communicate the limit.
What exactly do you need your child to be doing or not doing at that time? In this step, you’ll communicate this efficiently and specifically so that there is no question about what needs to be happening. You can even include the reason for the limit in this step.
3. Target the alternatives.
Targeting alternatives means giving your child a choice (Landreth, 2012). These choices can include when or how a task gets completed, how to engage in healthy behaviors when feeling big emotions, or options for engaging in a safer behavior. Children often do not get a lot of choices in life. When we give them choices, they gain an appropriate amount of control. We get to meet both you and your child’s needs by having them follow the limit and allowing them ownership over their choices.
What does this look like in practice? First, I always recommend caregivers and parents begin practicing step one - acknowledging feelings. Increasing understanding is such a powerful thing and helps us pay attention to all our child’s feelings, rather than just the more difficult ones. Let’s revisit our example from the beginning.
Let’s Practice
Situation #1
You're about to leave for school and your child needs to wear their shoes, but they are watching TV.
Step 1
Acknowledge the feeling: “You’re having so much fun watching Paw Patrol!”
Step 2
Communicate the limits: “But it’s about to be time to get to school so I need you to put on your shoes.”
Step 3
Target the alternatives: “You can choose to put on your shoes in three minutes or five minutes, which one do you choose?”
Situation #2
Let’s look at another example. Your child is painting. The painting doesn’t turn out the way they wanted it to. They start to swing the paintbrush around and the paint starts to fly.
Step 1
Acknowledge the feeling: “You’re disappointed your painting didn’t turn out how you wanted it to.”
Step 2
Communicate the limits: “But the paint can only go on the paper.”
Step 3
Target the alternatives: “You can choose to start your painting on a new piece of paper or you can choose to keep working on this one.”
Now, what if it seemed like the child was more frustrated than disappointed? When we target alternatives, we can provide effective ways to cope with feelings. In this case, step three could look like this, “You can choose to smear paint on the paper or to stomp your feet.” Both of these options provide your child with safe, effective ways to cope with their big feelings.
Benefits of Limit Setting
According to Landreth (2012), limit setting provides children “an opportunity to learn self control, that they have choices, what making choices feels like, and how responsibility feels.” Limit setting provides children with opportunities for learning and growth that can benefit them in other areas of life. Safe relationships always have limits and boundaries (Landreth, 2012).
Limit setting allows your child to gain skills for healthy relationships down the road. If you are just beginning to try out limit setting at home, it may take your child some time to get used to it. This is very normal. You’re interacting with them in new ways. When limits are consistently stuck to, they are effective.
If you’re interested in learning more about how to set effective limits, I recommend reaching out to your child’s therapist. Of course, there is always the question, “What do we do when they don’t make a choice or don’t follow through with their choice?” That’s called advanced limit setting, which goes beyond ACT. Sounds like a blog for another day!
References:
Landreth, G. L. (2012). Play therapy: The art of the relationship. New York, NY: Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group
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WRITTEN BY KAYLYN EVANS, MA, LPC , RPT™, NCC (SHE/HER/HERS)
Kaylyn Evans is a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate (LPC) and Nationally Certified Counselor (NCC). She earned her Bachelor’s Degree at Southwestern University in Biology and Psychology and her Master’s Degree in Professional Counseling at Texas State University. Kaylyn’s goal is to provide trauma-informed, attachment-based, anti-racist, and LGBTQIA+ affirming counseling at all times. Kaylyn has experience working with children, adolescents, and families in a variety of settings including elementary school and community agencies.
